Jokes

[Bob Kuczewski]

Jokes ....

This topic is open to anyone who wants to share a joke. Please be "reasonably" tasteful.

This topic was inspired by an email message that I got today from Margret who sent me the first set of jokes that I've included below.

Thanks Margret!!!!       

[Bob Kuczewski]

Email titled "Understanding Engineers"

Thanks to Margret for sharing these!!!       

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

Two engineers???

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.

[Bill Cummings]

You can always tell an engineer--------but you can't tell him much.
_____________________________
PS
An engineer friend of mine for the life of him can’t tell a joke without messing up on the punch line. His last failed attempt had him accidentally giving away the punch line. He asked me. “WHAT HAS FIFTY TEETH BUT CAN’T EAT A COMB?”

[Bill Cummings]

A Lutheran Pastor, a Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest were sitting together in a café having lunch.

They were discussing how to get rid of roosting bats.
The Pastor said that he called an exterminator and after $250.00 he hadn’t seen one since.

The Rabbi said that he went to the sporting goods store and bought a tennis racquet. While standing by the open door when a bat flew by he would serve it out the open door and not even hurt the bats. The bats' radar couldn’t detect the tennis racquet strings. The tennis racquet had only cost $35.00 and as for the bats he hasn’t seen one since.

The Priest said that he had gotten rid of all his bats and it didn’t cost him anything simply by using an old tried and proven method.

The Pastor and Rabbi were astonished and in unison asked the Priest, “How did you do that?”

The Priest said, “Well, I baptized them, confirmed them, and I haven’t seen them since.”
EDIT:
PS
I’m worried that people posting jokes in the free speech zone will get carried away a start posting tasteless lawyer and blond jokes.

Please refrain from the tired old jokes that we’ve all heard before.

To be clear and for the purpose of example only I’ll post one of each so that you know exactly what I’m referring to:

Jokes like, “What’s dark and red and looks good around a lawyers neck?”
ANSWER: A Doberman.

Also like: “How is a blond like a cow pie?”
ANSWER: The older they get the more wrinkly they get and the easier they are to pick up.

Please people, these are crude tasteless examples that large portions of society will not take kindly to. Your cooperation is greatly appreciated.
These jokes are not funny to anyone but people with a poor sense of propriety.

[Free]

How many social engineers does it take to destroy humanity?
One, given enough power.

How many engineers will be needed to save humanity from true social/environmental threats, as opposed to scam threats that are meant to enslave us?
All the good ones.

An engineer, a priest and a politician walked into a bar.. stop me if you've heard this one..
Naturally, talk turned to controlling the world.
The politician said he was the most important because he could tax or bomb the world population into submission.
The engineer said no, he was the most important because he would be needed to encode the tax formulas and build the bombs.
The priest said no, he was most important for getting the masses to go along with it.

An engineer was driving his SUV in the desert when he spotted a blond haired woman in a boat, out among the prickly cacti.
The blond yelled, help me, help me please. The boat is leaking, I don't have a paddle and I can't swim.
The engineer thought about it for a while and said, sorry lady, I can't swim either.

How much help does an engineer calculate will be needed to screw in a light bulb?
Four additional people plus the engineer, telling them what to do.

[Free]

"What makes the great division between the two schools is the difference in their methods. Socialism, like astrology and alchemy, proceeds by way of the imagination; political economy, like astronomy and chemistry, proceeds by way of observation.

Two astronomers observing the same phenomenon may not reach the same conclusion. Despite this temporary disagreement they feel the bond of a common method that sooner or later will bring them together. They recognize that they belong to the same communion. But between the astronomer who observes and the astrologer who imagines, there stretches an unbridgeable gulf, although at times some common understanding may perchance be reached.

The same is true of political economy and socialism.
The economists observe man, the laws of his nature and the social relations that derive from these laws.
The socialists conjure up a society out of their imagination and then conceive of a human heart to fit this society.

Now, if science cannot be wrong, scientists can be. I therefore do not deny that the economists can make faulty observations, and I shall even add that in the beginning they inevitably did. BUT, note what happens.

If men's interests are actually harmonious, it follows that any observation that would lead logically to the opposite conclusion—namely, that they are antagonistic—has been faulty. What then are the socialists' tactics? They collect a few faulty observations from the economists' works, deduce all the conclusions to be derived from them, and then prove that they are disastrous.

Up to this point they are within their rights. Next, they raise their voices in protest against the observer—Malthus or Ricardo, for example. They are still within their rights. BUT, they do not stop here.

They turn against the science of political economy itself; they accuse it of being heartless and of desiring evil. In so doing, they go against reason and justice; for science is not responsible for the scientist's faulty observations.

Finally, they go EVEN FARTHER yet. They even accuse society itself and threaten to destroy it and remake it.

And why? Because, they say, science proves that our present society is on the road to disaster.
IN THIS, they outrage good sense;
For, either science is not mistaken—and in that case why attack it?—
or else it is indeed mistaken, and in that case they had best leave society alone, since it is in no danger."

Frédéric Bastiat, "Economic Harmonies" (1850)

[Bill Cummings]

Free,
I may be a little off but your sentence below got a big laugh out of me.
Free Quote:

An engineer, a priest and a politician walked into a bar.. stop me if you've heard this one..

[Bill Cummings]

Politically incorrect Finish joke heard in Minnesota.

Toivo saw Eno digging a trench in the dirt beneath the barn door’s header beam.
Toivo asked Eno, “What for you doing dat, Eno?”
Eno said, “Da stupid mule ---when da mule’s long ears touch da barn door’s header beam he stops and won’t go in da barn.
Toivo watched Eno dig the trench deeper and ponders the problem and finally says to Eno, “Eno, dats not gonna work! -- You just got done tellen me dat it’s his ears dat are too long ----not his legs!”

[Bill Cummings]

Politically incorrect Irish joke heard in the bowling alley at Chelan WA as told to me by Eddy Robb, HG pilot, from New Zealand. (I‘m part Irish by the way.)

“What do you do when you hear a pin hit the floor?”
Answer:
“You hit the deck cuz there’s an Irishman with a grenade in his teeth!”

[Bill Cummings]

Politically incorrect Swedish joke:

A man was just about to carry a twenty foot long thing (probably pipe) out of a hardware store.

Another man going into the store and worried that the guy coming out might break the glass out of the door quickly held the door open for guy coming out.

As the guy coming out came past the man holding the door open the guy holding the door asked, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
The guy with the long pipe said, “No! I’m a Svede but how’d you know my name was Valter?” (Walter --get it?)