Jokes

[DukeB]

For sale on PHX Clist:

http://phoenix.craigslist.org/nph/tag/5019971293.html

[Bill Cummings]

I’ve just declared myself ruler of this universe.
Hence forth all land owners purchasing property on the edge of a cliff where birds can be seen soaring without flapping will be compelled in less than one month to clear a launch slot through the trees. They must also provide port-a potty service, camping area, power hook ups, hang gliding tie down stakes, retrieval vehicles, drivers, food vending, (half price), complete HG parts supply, parachute repack technician (24-7), kiddie swimming pool.

I have to run to the post office so could I get some help here? Just quote this post and build to the list of things I will be requiring now that I've assumed rulership (well huh?-- there went spell checker?) -----

[Bob Kuczewski]

I’ve just declared myself ruler of this universe.

Long live the king!!!!

[Bill Cummings]

Health Tip.JPG (44.37 KiB) Viewed 5948 times

[Craig Muhonen]

You ever see a deer with no eyes?

[Craig Muhonen]

No Ideer?

[Bill Cummings]

A hitchhiker got into the pickup truck and thanked the
driver for stopping but asked, “How did you know that
I’m not a serial killer?”
The driver said, “What are the odds that one truck
would be carrying two serial killers?”

[Craig Muhonen]

The bartender notices that this guy needs another drink so he sets one up. " bet ya 10 bucks that I can bite my eye", he says. The bartender lays a ten down, and feels foolish when he watches this guy take out his dentures , and "bite his eye". After 2 more drinks this guy said "bet ya 50 bucks , I can bite my other eye"..... "Done", says the bartender, starting to drag the 50, but when this guy takes out his glass eye and bites it , the bartender admitted that he'd been had. After a couple more drinks this guy stumbles to his feet and says "
Bet ya 50 bucks that I can stand up on this bar , put a glass down, and pee into it without spilling a drop. "Get up there", I know you're to drunk to do that......
After a struggle, this guy stands up , whips it out, and proceeds to try to hit the glass, missing it completely. ....why did you bet me? , as He wiped down the bar with a smile on his face. You know you were too drunk........ this guy grinned and said "see those two guys in the back ther?.....
Well,... I bet them $500 that I could piss all over your bar,... and that you would clean it up with a smile on your face.........

[Bill Cummings]

Forest Gump dies and meets St Peter at the golden gates to heaven.
St Pete says, “You say that your name is Gump huh? Too many are into ID theft
trying to sneak in here so I have to ask some test questions.” So Mr. Gump,
how many days of the week start with the letter, “T?”
Gump says, Three.
St Pete asks, “which three would that be?”
Gump says, “Tuesday, Thursday, and today.”
Pete says, “Well you got me on that one so I’ll give you credit.”
Pete asks, “ Does Jesus have a first name?”
Gump says, “Andy.”
St Pete yells, “WHAT? WHERE DID YOU EVER GET THAT?”
Gump says, “From the red hymnal book. The one that goes
Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am
his own - -“
St Pete interrupts, “ Okay Mr Gump come on in.”

[SamKellner]