Jokes

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[Bill Cummings]

An acquaintance that I have met on the internet has taught me the art of how to steer a conversation in absolutely positively any direction that I wish to take it.

In one single sentence I now can have a large percentage of readers artfully guided from talking about ---oh let us say --- um - maybe your topic of grooming dogs to the topic of backing up a D-8 bulldozer.

I’ve found that it doesn’t work consistently on all topics.
Steering a conversation away from the topic of sex for instance is a tougher distraction and usually involves either a very long sentence and sometimes even a string of sentences.

When in person the eyes are the best clue. It’s tougher on the internet. If the eyes appear to glaze over that is the point that you know you have diverted their attention from the forgotten topic of sex. (If you just now thought oh yes that’s where we started -- there is your proof that your fluoride intake was adequate.)

So now you’re thinking that you are finished with this post --- WELL GUESS WHAT? THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED YOU TO THINK! You may be thirsty now. Go get a drink and keep your fluoride levels up!

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[Free]

An acquaintance that I have met on the internet has taught me the art of how to steer a conversation in absolutely positively any direction that I wish to take it.

Bob K.? Neural linguistic programming, 101?

When in person the eyes are the best clue. It’s tougher on the internet.

Hence, all the phone calls to get compliant agreement on basic terms of service, which were already spelled out in the original template?
The one that was ignored or not understood?
Bob thinks that without the phone calls, the chance of any common sense agreement on TOS would only be in the neighborhood of 3% ..
Or was that a joke?

So now you’re thinking that you are finished with this post --- WELL GUESS WHAT? THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED YOU TO THINK! You may be thirsty now. Go get a drink and keep your fluoride levels up!

[Bill Cummings]

A pig joke for nobody in particular.
A guy walks into the kitchen with a pig under his arm.
A woman is standing at the sink doing dishes.
The guy says, “This is the fat cow I’ve been sleeping with.”
The woman says, “You retard, that’s no cow it’s a pig!”
The guy says, “I was talking to the pig!”

[Bill Cummings]

Two horses were standing side by side with a collie sitting between them. All were looking beyond the barbed wire fence at the developing clouds over the mountain.

The horse on the left side of the collie says to the horse on the right side of the collie, “It sure looks like it’s going to rain up there.”

The horse on the right side of the collie says to the horse on the left side of the collie, “I think you’re 100% correct.”

The collie startled the horses by commenting, “You dumb horses. It’s so cold at that elevation that if it does anything it will be snow.”

The two horses looked at each other in amazement and in unison said, “Well look at that -- a talking dog!!”

[Bill Cummings]

I guy walks into a bar.
He’s dressed in a tuxedo.
His hair looks like an expensive barber had just done a masterpiece.
He takes a hankie from his tuxedo’s left breast pocket and dusts off the bar stool before sitting down.
The bartender approaches him and asks him, “What will you have sir?”
The guy in the tux., looking down his nose, says, “I don’t suppose this type of establishment could supply me with a 50-year-old Glenfiddich?”
The bartender says, “Absolutely sir we pride ourselves in serving the best spirits one can find.”
The guy in the tux, says, “Excellent my good man I would like a 50-year-old Glenfiddich!!”
The bartender tells the elegantly dress man that due to the price he doesn’t sell that drink very often but that he knows he has it and starts searching deep in the back underneath the bar. After a long search he finds an open bottle of 30-year-old Glenfiddich and thinks to himself that this fake is putting on airs and will not know the difference between 50 year old Glenfiddich and 30 year old Glenfiddich.
The bartender serves the drink.
The guy in the tux takes a drink and exclaims, “Sir, This is not 50-year-old Glenfiddich it’s only -- he takes another sip, smacks his lips and says---- 30 year old Glenfiddich.”
The bartender is impressed!
The bartender takes the bottle from under the bar and takes it to the bright light near the cash register, makes a big show of putting on his glasses and pretends to read the label.
The bartender says, “I’m sorry sir, you are absolutely correct this is a bottle of 30-year-old Glenfiddich.” -- “I will go to the cellar and fetch a bottle of 50-year-old Glenfiddich and sir it will be on the house!”
After the bartender returns and serves the drink the dapper guy in the tux takes a sip and says, “Now that sir is 50-year-old Glenfiddich!”
All this while a drunk weaving on the barstool and the end of the bar with a beer mug in front of him pipes up and says, “Hey smarty pants. - if you’re so damn smart tell me what this drink is!” The drunk slides it the length of the bar and the guy in the tux stops the mug in front of him. The guy in the tux takes a sip and immediately blows it out of his mouth and says, “That drink tastes like piss!”
The drunk say, “And how old am I?”

[Bill Cummings]

A horse trots into a bar and orders a beer.
When the beer is served the horse just stands there and looks at the mug.
The bartender says, “Why the long face?”

[Bill Cummings]

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one? - Bob Monkhouse