by Bill Cummings » Sat Oct 04, 2014 1:30 pm
Party balloons work better than condoms.
Way - way back in nineteen hundred and seventy eight long before the whiper snapper pilots of today knew the difference between the diaper around their reserve, hand thrown, parachute from the one around their butts I was water towing hang gliders with my boat.
As my hang gliding friend, Don Ray, and I progressed to longer and longer towlines we found it difficult for the boat driver or observer to see the signals from the pilot.
Don and I had met each other over citizens band radios.
We decided to water proof a radio and microphone then mount it to the base tube/control bar of our 220 Moyes Midi hang glider.
Back in the day inner tubes were used inside of car tires. Not so now days but they were easy to lay a hand on then. We set the CB radio knobs where we wanted them and taped them so as not to get out of adjustment. We put the CB in a section of inner tube and sealed the ends with wet suit rubber cement. We put extra goop around the cables coming out of tube. Coax antenna cable, 12 volt power cable, microphone cable. We soldered two six volt batteries together and taped the dickens out of them to also be water proof. The eighteen inch center load hustler CB antenna was mounted on the nose plate and the only other concern was how to go about water proofing the microphone.
The Research and Development ground to a halt trying to come up with a good idea.
Finally Don said, “I GOT IT! -- let’s go down to the Hoyt Lakes, Drug store and buy a condom to put over the microphone!” “We could seal it with wet suit cement and rubber bands.”
I objected. Our town with a population of 3,500 was one where everyone knew everyone else’s business. So far there wasn’t anyone able to say that they saw Bill in the drug store buying a condom. (Maybe word would get back to my wife. I could see this situation careening out of control.)
Worse yet would be two guys walking in together wanting to ------- make “The Purchase.”
To put things into perspective I told Don that we should go to his town of Aurora Minnesota (USA), five miles away and, “make the purchase,” at his small town drug store.
“Absolutely not,” he said. He told me it would be stupid to waste that much gas on a condom. Even my volunteering to drive didn’t work.
It finally boiled down to Don saying, “Do you want to shorten the towrope or put more towrope on?”
We took my van down to the drug store so that I could, “forget,” and have to go back to the van and lock my door. Thus stalling sufficiently to put Don through the drug store entrance ahead of me. My plan almost worked.
When I got to the doorway Don was holding it open for me. “After you,” Don said.
I went into the store and stopped to retie my tennis shoe in an attempt to position Don ahead of me. When I finished I noticed that I was still in the lead. Don was pretending to focus his attention on the “Midol” display.
Feeling hot around my ears and neck I lead the way to the prescription counter where Druggist Jim Welch and his two high school age daughters were working.
There was a line of costumers waiting for their prescriptions to be filled. “They look awful busy maybe we should come back,” I said to Don.
He said, “let’s get in line. Here comes more people.”
When the line issued me to the cash register Jim Welch’s daughter asked me, “What can we help you with Mr. Cummings?” I was thinking, gee wiz Mary you don’t have to talk so loud.
I was speechless. Mary’s sister moved in to assist and find out why the once steady procession was now at a pregnant pause.
I opened my mouth but no words came out. Then I got an idea and said, “I need to talk to your dad.” They sent Jim over to talk to me. I said, “Jim Don wants to ask you a question.”
Don said, “Hey it was your idea.”
I said, “No! It was you that said, I got it and let’s go down town and -- make a purchase.”
Don out waited me so quickly I rushed through the hang gliding, CB, water proofing, R&D story and told Jim that we were now trying to water proof the microphone and that Don had the idea to use a ---------condom.
Jim leaned in and said, “What Bill, I didn’t hear the last word?”
CONDOM, I said. Just as Mary Welch turned on and was getting ready to announced that Mrs. Soinso’s prescription was ready over the PA microphone.
The word CONDOM echoed throughout the far corners of the store and back.
Jim Welch erupted in to endless shrieking laughter.
All eyes were now focused on me ---the village idiot!
Jim tried several times to speak but he only got so far until he would start laughing.
Jim kept saying, “I thought I’d heard every excuse in the book about why someone had to buy a condom but I guarantee you that’s the --HAAA, HAAA --”
If ever a floor would open up and swallow me that would have been the best time.
When Jim got a hold of himself he asked me what KIND of condom would I like to buy?
Here I thought it had all ready gone from bad to worse but --NO--IT HADN’T YET.
The rest is still too embarrassing so I’ll skip ahead to where Don and I went back to my van and tried to put the condom on (now cut that out) ON THE MICROPHONE!
With surprising and shocking ease the condom ruptured before we got it on the microphone. I couldn’t believe that anything as flimsy as that could be trusted for any application. Dam@ we had purchased a defective product. Back into the drug store we went. We took a position in the line made up of new customers.
When the line had me once again at the register Jim relieved his daughters to my relief until I said, “Jim that one was defective I want to buy another one.”
At which point Jim said, “Another one what Bill?” (Jim, you’re a door knob!)
Back in the van Don said blow it up first to stretch it out. I looked at him expressionlessly and handed it to him to put to his lips. He blew it up but that didn’t help. This one too ruptured without any fanfare. I promised myself that I would never waste any money on another one.
We went back in the store and found some big round party balloons that worked great with a little wet suit cement and rubber bands. In the boat the driver would wear head phones with a CB radio due to the loud 85 hp outboard motor.
To this day the Welch family always cracks a big smile when the see the village idiot headed their way.